TRUTH by Carla Hayes

This anxiety whittles at my stomach like an ever carving knife...
Has been with me since childhood midst that old tensionating strife...
A history book of happenings that springs before my eyes...
A thousand episodes of hurtful things, of punishment, of lies...
It wakes me every morning and moments in between...
It haunts me like a stalker when my body tries to sleep...
I see it in my son as he copes to strive with stress...
This companion, anxiety...this churning, burning mess...
It screams to me of misdeeds and things I never did...
It mocks me for shortcomings I thought I had well-hid...
It taunts me for the people who thought I meant them harm...
It never asks for truthfulness about the 'me' they thought as wrong...
It pleasures in its meanness...It is a living, breathing thing...
It plagues me and it hurts me...It has a dragon's wings...
I pray against my weakness...I pray against the storm...
I pray for Father's help with this, this nauseating worm...
I pray for understanding, both mine and God's above...
I pray for help to heal me through God's outpouring love...
Post traumatic stress disorder, depression and this angst...
Rise up to fight against me...Can others understand?
I fight an inner demon that tears me to the core...
I think I have it conquered, then it returns for more...
A look of criticism, a mocking from without...
An abandonment, betrayal of trust, or my own painful self-doubt...
All stir up the inner darkness...it comes quite unannounced...
Contrary on its onset...consistent in its pounce...
How deeply people hurt me by the things they have to say...
When they coldly misjudge me or treat me in demeaning ways...
I've tried to develop a thick-skin for without and for within...
But callouses elude me, leaving me...this condition I am in...
So praying I go onward...midst Life's unyielding thorns...
And try to believe in God and me...midst haughtiness, amidst scorns...
I know there is a healing...a merciful, compassionate balm...
That comes when God gently wraps me in His all-knowing arms...
I know that He believes in me despite what others think...
And I know He's here unconditionally when in despair I sink...
This is what has kept me alive midst hurt, loss and cutting pain:
Being in God's sheltering arms...again...again...again...
The loyalty of my dear son and many unwavering friends...
Our Father, beauty of Earth, endurance...on these i can depend...
And the Gift of God's Compassion, descended from above...
The blessing most truly healing?
  The sweet and true reality of Love.